Dear Mom and Dad,
I’ve met someone.
Yes, I know, he’s a rather – unconventional – boyfriend, but he’s nice and he’s always there for me. In fact, I like him so much I spend almost every evening with him! In a totally family-friendly way that I’m not embarrassed to tell you about. Don’t raise your eyebrows at me, mom. Get your mind out of the gutter.
Anyways, I’m just writing this to tell you not to worry about me this Valentine’s Day weekend. I mean, seriously, even if I liked the holiday, I’d be fine because I definitely have someone to spend it with now. And dad, if any my uncles ask why I still don’t have a boyfriend yet – insinuating in a not-so-subtle way that perhaps I don’t bat for the “right” team – now you can not-so-subtly rub their noses in the fact that yes, your daughter does happen to identify herself within what would be considered conventional views of ordered society and yes, she has finally (FINALLY)
settled down – well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, here.
I’m also writing to apologize, first, because this makes the whole issue of grand babies a little complicated and uncomfortably unlikely, and second, because my boyfriend can sometimes be…how should I say it? Graphic? Appropriate for adult-viewing audiences only? Just know that usually when he gets this way he’s also totally badass, which is incredibly sexy, don’t you think?
Yes, I know he can be pretty lame sometimes, too. And he likes to make obscure and obsolete references to things that I didn’t know, and never cared to know, existed. His jokes can be pretty hit-or-miss sometimes. But did you see that thing he did with Tina Fey? (Yes, my boyfriend knows Tina Fey!) Yeah, that was pretty cool.
Anyways, none of that really matters because you’re the ones who’ve always told me that nobody is perfect and we all have to accept the good with the bad. And the bad isn’t so bad. I guess when you really like someone, you’re willing to be flexible about certain things.
So seriously, don’t worry about me this weekend. I’ve found companionship. I’m happy, and I’m going to enjoy the holiday with my boyfriend. It’s going to be great.
P.S. We’re moving in together.
P.P.S. By moving in, I mean he’s already been living at the apartment for months.
Love You Always,