It’s A Good Thing My Film Professor Won’t Read This

It’s a good thing he won’t even see this post, because I’m not sure he even has a Facebook page, and if he does, we are not friends. I say this, not because I don’t like my film professor–I do, he’s a bit tangential, but his class is still informative–but because I’m typing this as I sit in his class, listening (as best as you can while multitasking) to his lecture.

Now, hear me out: I’m not one of those terrible students who is always on the internet and never listening during class.  In fact, it’s the opposite–this is an anomaly for me; a choice that I am driven to out of a necessity to keep myself accountable amidst a very busy day. (Just to reassure you that I am still listening to my professor, at the moment he is discussing art forms in motion–painting, sculpture, and architecture–and the ways in which these play into the larger idea of art and interplay as a whole, particularly in concern to film).

This has been my entire week.  After my disappointing web interview with the Disney College program, I had my orientation day for my campus job at the Spencer Research Library–I get to work with artifacts and books that are 100+ years old!–and my interview with Target for their executive leadership program (a path that I am drawn away from more and more as I realize it leaves very little opportunity for use of my writing skills).  I then spent the weekend at home again–I think I’ve been home more in the last two months than I have in the last year as a whole–in order to get some things finished that I had to do in my home town. Today, I spent the first half of my day at the Spencer, working, then went to class, camped at Allen Field House for the game, and am now (obviously) in class again (we have now moved on to specific films that demonstrate the idea of “mash-up” or rather, combination art and art-techniques), and tonight I will go to Allen Fieldhouse yet again to watch one of the last home basketball games I may ever be able to see in person (who knows if I’ll be able to afford tickets once I’m out of school?). I’ve hardly had a moment to catch my breath.

I know I’m not the only one who has these types of days, and I’m sure I should count myself lucky for not having more of them, but my list of things to do continues to get increasingly longer, with no seeming end in sight.  If it’s not homework–and my goodness, how homework has always kept me busy, and never before has it felt so much like busy work!–then it’s job and internship applications, adjusting resumes and cover letters, job-related work, or other work-type commitments. The only way I find I don’t make myself crazy is by letting myself go to the gym and run off extra steam in whatever spare moments I have, and taking a few minutes out of my day to just let my brain ‘de-fuzz’.

I probably make myself sound more stressed out than I actually am. The truth is, the reason I feel so busy is because I am letting myself have those moments of enjoyment–I am letting myself go to the basketball game tonight, even though I have plenty of things I could be doing to keep me busy this evening. I stop and talk to my friends, and take a few minutes out of my day to read, or eat, or do something just for me, that I want to do, not that I need to do. Of course, it’s put me a bit behind in my list of all the things I want and need to do and apply for, but I don’t want to look back at this semester and only remember staring at a computer screen, or interviewing for jobs. I have my whole life to work (and hopefully I will find employment to back that statement up sooner rather than later) and I want to enjoy the people and opportunities around me.

Still, it is stressful. Probably the most stressful time of my life I have experienced thus far. I know that, unfortunately, this will probably not be the most stressful thing I ever experience, but the ambiguity of my future is, naturally, a worrisome ordeal. I find that if I stop to think too long on the possibilities of my living situation in even three months’ time, I begin to panic. I am sure–or, at least I hope–that I am not alone in these feelings.  I wish that there was a smoother time of transition into careers or post-grad life than these crazy, class and homework-filled semesters; if students could have an entire semester that was simply devoted to honing application and resume writing, job-search training, and career information/exploration, my life would be so much less stressful right now.

I write about this wishful thinking, my musings, and my worries, not to whine, but because that is where I am at in this stage of the job search/post-grad transition process right now. I feel as though I have “loved and lost” in the few applications and interviews I have had thus far.  But, just like dating, there’s a reason we keep at it, right?  Because hopefully, we’ll strike a chord of luck and wind up happy.

So, I’ll keep multitasking to keep my head above water, and enjoying the little moments whenever I can, and for those of you out there who are in the same boat (what’s with all of these water metaphors all of a sudden? I must be thirsty) I hope you do the same.  Stick with it. You aren’t alone in your worries, I promise.

Keep on Keepin’ on, til next Monday.

Yours truly,

tlc

Flowers are Always Good

Thank God for great friends, right?

Boy, I tell you what, this last week has been full of ups and downs. Well, in particular, one reassuring up, and one very, very low down.  Reflecting, I suppose I’ve learned something about myself in all of this. But maybe I should back up a bit first and explain…before I explain.

The week started out pretty well. I was very optimistic–I made my first-ever CV, made the trek to the Career Center and got it looked over (she thought it looked great, I might add), and went to the University Career Fair, where I talked to some programs that I’m actually very interested in, and got an interview for a program I hadn’t even intended on applying for (strange how those things work out).

That wasn’t even the high of my week, though: the day before, I had been offered both a student library job/internship (I’ve been trying to snag a job at KU libraries for the last three years, but scheduling has just never worked out before now) for the rest of the semester, and a summer job as a Teaching Assistant for Duke TIP.

Still, all of this was sort of arbitrary–secondary, perhaps–to the real plan. My coworker and I had our hearts and our heads set: we were going to work for Disney. She had worked as part of the Disney College Program before, and I had been dreaming about it since before I was even in college–in fact, I think the first time I ever looked the Disney College Program up, I was a junior in high school.

So, I was going to apply, and she was going to re-apply. And we were going to work at Walt Disney World, or Walt Disneyland, or Walt Disney World and Walt Disneyland, and for the next six months, we were going to be golden. Then, using my awesome experience working in one of the Disney parks, I was going to apply for writing internships in television and development, and of course employers were going to love me–I’m fun, I’m responsible, and I have a lot of good work experience. This was the plan. This was going to happen. It felt right. It was right.

Until I didn’t move through to the next phase of the interview process.

Yep, that’s right, revel in the irony, everyone: Tasha, the woman who has loved Disney since she was old enough to watch movies; the woman who is so obsessed with Disney fairy tales that she wrote her senior thesis on them, did not make it through the interview process for the Disney College Program. Maybe it was one too many “neutrals” on the survey I had to fill out; maybe it was because, instead of a positive person (which, in comparison with my coworker, I am no where near positive, but in terms of the rest of the world, I’m a pretty positive person) I consider myself more of a realist, because to me, being a realist is still positive, just not delusional. (…Not that positive people are delusional…) But now I’m starting to sound more like a bitter, negative, whiny person.

My point is this: I hit a bottom this week. One of dreams that I’ve had for a very, very long time is no longer possible.  And, while right now it still stings, that’s okay. I’m okay. It’s not like I haven’t been thrown curve-balls in my life before. In fact, most of my life (in my own opinion) has been nothing but curve balls. Disappointments and rejections that have forced me to take ninety-degree turns and barrel on through a new path. And that’s only what this is. A ninety-degree turn. And so now, I’ll just have to barrel that path in a new direction, and hopefully shoot for a similar–or better–landing place.

And really, taking ninety-degree turns is actually good for me, because I tend to make long, intricate plans for my life and what happens in it, and these moments are eye-opening reminders that I shouldn’t shut the rest of the world and its countless opportunities out. So, while Disney lost a seriously good potential employee this week, some other opportunity I haven’t considered yet is going to gain a seriously great candidate. And I’m going to sound cocky, because it’s true. I work hard.

And that brings me to what I learned about myself from all of this: I realized, amid my sobbing, disappointed phone call to my mother, and my rather mopey Monday, that somewhere along my life, I seem to have gotten my priorities mixed up.  I am in a relationship with my work and career goals. I care more about working towards success, than I do about making and growing relationships with other people along the way. And this is wrong. Because success IS the people and relationships you have while making your way, and your living, in this world.

Thank God I have friends like my coworker, who sent me flowers (because flowers really do make everything better), and spent a very long time occupied by my emotional embraces, who–despite my relationship with my work (which is a horrible boyfriend, by the way; he never remembers my birthday)–has somehow become one of my dearest friends. And it is friendships like hers, and friendships like my roommates, and friendships and love like my mother’s that has reminded me that it really is the relationships that matter. What’s it worth to conquer the world without someone to share it with?

So, my fellow almost-graduates, my only advice to you this week is this: make the absolute best friends you can, and keep them, because they won’t judge you when you’re working in a coffee shop to pay the rent, and they will always buy you flowers when you are very, very sad.

Here’s to hoping next Monday is a little happier.

Yours truly,

tlc

The World from the POV of a Prospective Grad

Hi there. Will you hire me?

I am happy to say that the snow gods came through last week and brought me not one, but two snow days. Granted, as a graduating senior, I don’t have a very busy class schedule, anyways, but the snow days allowed me some extra time to catch up on homework and start working on tasks unrelated to homework, like looking for jobs.

Now, I know this entire series of blogs is supposed to be about my experience transitioning into the real world anyways, and, if you’ve been reading my posts, you know by now that I am terrified of that unknown.  But I thought it might be helpful for me to really define to you the way I see the world right now, because as I start looking more and more thoroughly at the different career paths I could take, I’m slowly beginning to realize the serious generational myth that I think many of us were raised on:

There is no perfect job.

There really isn’t. Does this sound like something I should have known before now?  Certainly I’m not the only one whose never thought about this before. Think about it: how many times in our lives have we gotten the question, “What is your ideal job?”  ‘Ideal’ shouldn’t really be synonymous with ‘perfect’ but I think in many of our minds it is.  We begin to build this fantasy in our minds of what we’ll do and how much we’ll get paid and how great our coworkers and bosses will be and how amazing the architecture of our work buildings will be and how we’ll get paid vacations spending months on end in cool first-world countries and resorts abroad. It’s like 99% of my celebrity crushes: in my mind, here are all of these handsome men that sound so smart and suave on screen and in interviews, and I’m sure that if I met them in real life, I’d be disappointed with almost all of them (maybe not because they themselves are bad people, but just because they wouldn’t be what I imagined them to be). Jobs and careers are the same way.

For most of our lives (‘our’ as in soon-to-be and recent college grads), we’ve been fed two strong and conflicting ideas: 1) the job market is horrible, and you better thank your lucky stars you’re even getting a job offer, and 2) If you can dream it, you can achieve it.

Except that neither of those are true.

Sure, the job market sucks, but jobs have always been, and they always will be, competitive.  If you don’t work at what you want or need, you won’t get it, end of story. Sometimes even when you work at something, it doesn’t work out. But you have to move on anyways.  And if something isn’t what you want, keep looking. Pay the bills, but keep looking.  Which brings me to that second point: just because you dream something doesn’t mean that it will happen, or that it will happen right away. You have to build your dreams, work at them from the ground up, and don’t expect too much. If you plan out every detail about your future, you are only setting yourself up for disappointment. In my short observance of people out in the real world, I’ve learned that sometimes things come to those who wait. So if you’re smart about your finances, and the first thing that comes available to you doesn’t feel right, don’t take it. Keep your goals in sight.

But this is a bit of a digression, because the real issue with the ‘if you dream it, you can achieve it’ slogan is that many of us have been laughed at for our dreams.  We’ve been told they are impossible, or too competitive, or impractical, so we don’t strive for them. We settle. Or conversely, we refuse to settle and end up unemployed for years on end because we see anything as less than the ideal as below us.  Sometimes working for that dream and building it from the ground up means taking that office job to pay the bills, or working at a coffee shop during the day, or living at home until you find something that will allow you your own place.  And, I think if you are really determined to reach your goals, that none of these things should be seen as beneath you.  (Just try not to live with mom and dad for too long, okay?)

I guess the real reason I’m saying all of this is because who knows where I’ll be in three months.  Nearly a straight-A student in college with several honors and awards on my resume, along with two internships and several leadership experiences, and I might still be that kid who lives at home for months before finding a job.  It’s just that kind of a world.  And I realize this all might sound contradictory, but that’s simply because this whole competitive job market thing is a confusing place.  My whole life I’ve been told I need to go to college, and I wanted to go to college, and then I get here, and I’m told that college doesn’t make me a competitively-qualified job candidate anymore, and that I’m going to have to settle for the types of jobs that will never pay off tuition costs and college bills. On top of that, you’re thrown out into the real world of independence, trying to pay bills and find a place to live, learning how to keep track of finances and pay taxes.  It’s an utterly mind-boggling time.  It’s frustrating, too, because everyone thinks they know exactly what you need to do, or how you should do it, or how you are generational-ly flawed, and how those qualities will only work against you in the job market.

And you know what? To all of that, I say this: Whatever.  I’m going to go out, find something I at least like doing (if I don’t love it) and then I’m going to work towards building a life that I love.  Because the perfect job doesn’t exist, but one (or a thousand, because let’s face it, we’re all going to hold several jobs (probably) throughout our lives) that provides me the ability to make a life that I love does exist.

So here’s to building dreams and working towards goals, finding OK-jobs and loving our lives.  Here’s to experiencing.

Until next Monday,

Yours truly,

tlc

Praying to the snow gods

Dear gods of snow,

I need this snow day. NEED it.

Okay, maybe not quite as much as some other students, who are actually behind because of their course load. But really, I could use this one.

See, my body spent the weekend being a biological incubator for what has begrudgingly (and weirdly enough, somewhat affectionately) been termed, “the crud,” and I was basically a non-cannibalistic zombie for the weekend. In other words, I watched obscene amounts of “Parks and Recreation”,  but got little else done. The saddest part is that I had gone home for the weekend to tie up some medical appointments while still on my parents’ insurance plan (yet another wonderful aspect to look forward to, come graduation day) and I had been hoping to utilize the time away to be super-productive without the lovely distractions of my home back in Lawrence.

So, considering the fact that I am still sick and don’t want to get out of bed super early tomorrow, have not had time to unpack yet, and have about a 100 things on my to-do list I could use the time for, I would really, REALLY appreciate a snow day. Two snow days, if you are so inclined in your generosity. And, considering that I now have an extra potential commitment I had not really accounted for at the beginning of the semester, and I haven’t had a chance to apply for jobs yet, a snow day would be so very, very, very wonderful.

And, to prove my busy status and inability to think super coherently because of my illness, I’m going to end my plead, and my blog post for this week here.  These are my thoughts, three weeks into my last semester of school. …Yeah.

Here’s to hoping for more time and a longer post next Monday,

Yours truly,

tlc